


drag me away (from you)

by CASTlEL



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Castiel Needs a Hug (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad Castiel (Supernatural), Season/Series 15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:48:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24241573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CASTlEL/pseuds/CASTlEL
Summary: The heaviness that I hold in my heart's been crushing me.- Pluto // Sleeping At Last
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	drag me away (from you)

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to try exploring cas' emotions and thoughts because i think we all know he has A LOT but they barely get addressed. anyway this was also a cathartic thing for me as i wanted to get out my negative thoughts and such, but as a result it's very sad. I'M SORRY.

The thoughts come rushing in like waves.

The bunker is quiet at two a.m. The silence is deafening, it amplifies the negative thoughts that are running rampant in Castiel's head. He takes a breath and rests his hands on the table. He looks around the library. Memories come flooding back, but not the nice ones.

His breath hitches as images flash in his mind. Dean beating him relentlessly when he had the mark of cain. Beating him until he was lying in his own blood, begging for Dean to stop. The last thing he sees is his angel blade nearly missing his head before the image fades. He recoils in his seat.

But then another memory makes itself present in his mind. A rather recent memory, too. Wearily, his eyes move across the room until they land on the library doorway. He sees flashes of the fight, standing in that doorway as Dean yelled at him.

_Something went wrong, you know this, something always goes wrong._

_Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?_

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut. He felt sick, in human terms. Even months later, these words weighed on him heavily.

These ten words that hurt Castiel more than any physical wound he's had. He's been told countless times before that he is expendable, worthless, _nothing_. Most of those comments came from other angels, who he once considered family. But being told you're a fuck up and the reason everything goes wrong by the one person you love more than anything?

That's heartbreak.

But he doesn't blame Dean. How can he blame him when he's right? Castiel has never been able to anything right. He has made mistake after mistake, constantly failing and disappointing Dean. So, he lets Dean's words from their fight ring in his head over and over and he _believes_ them.

And even though he should, he can't hate Dean. He can't.

At this point, he thinks that the love he holds for Dean Winchester is the very essence of his being.

Time after time he has put Dean first, without thinking about the consequences, for himself or others. It makes sense, considering he rescued Dean from Hell, then proceeded to rebel against Heaven and his family _for_ Dean. He owes everything to Dean, so it's no wonder he constantly throws himself in the line of fire to protect him.

Castiel thinks about his relationship with Dean and how it's evolved over the years. He remembers his former self. The obedient-but-actually-not-so-obedient soldier, following orders from Heaven and never questioning where they came from. Meeting Dean, everything changed. He found himself smiling and laughing in his presence. Then all at once he realized: he could _feel._ Dean gave him the ability to feel and make his own choices, not Heaven's. He laughs bitterly in the empty library, knowing how much their relationship has changed.

Dean has always been Castiel's best friend. Hell, Castiel has only ever really had Sam and Dean. Briefly, there was his friendship with Kelly Kline. He smiles bitterly at the thought of her. He is still grateful that he was never able to go through with killing her. He wouldn't have been able to experience her friendship.

He remembers protecting her and caring for her. He remembers their drive to North Cove, Washington. They had listened to music and laughed and Kelly fell asleep resting her head on Castiel's shoulder. He remembers their God-awful trip to Ikea, where they got lost a total of five times, one of which they got separated (Castiel was indignant as Kelly teased him for screaming her name which resulted in them getting kicked out). They went to another Ikea and in a much smoother (and quieter) fashion, they got the crib. After their stressful day, they decided to get ice cream. Together they sat on park bench and talked about everything. They told each other secrets, something Castiel had never done before. He felt happy. Kelly loved him unconditionally and appreciated every single thing he did for her.

Now she's dead. He feels so much guilt that he wasn't with Kelly when she died. It's one of his many regrets. Kelly had shown him so much love and he hates that he wasn't there in her final moments. Kelly was the best friend he had ever had, aside from Dean. When he compares the two, Kelly was the one who seemed to appreciate him, show him love and make him feel _wanted._

It's not Dean's fault he hasn't really done the same. Dean isn't like that. Dean has been hurt by so many people, so many people have left him. It's no wonder he is a little hesitant to love people openly. He's afraid they will end up leaving him. Castiel understands this. As much as he craves to know what it's like to be loved by Dean Winchester, he doesn't push. The last thing he would want is to make Dean uncomfortable. Instead, he hopes and he waits.

Besides, who could love a broken angel?

He decides rather hastily that he needs a drink. He climbs to his feet and wanders into the kitchen. He grabs the first bottle he sees, not caring what it is and a glass. He slumps back down in his seat. Castiel pours his drink in the darkness. He holds his glasses and shakes it slowly before taking a sip. The thoughts in his head are swarming louder and louder.

"Dean feels like a stranger," he whispers to the empty room. He barely has time to register the words that came out of his mouth before he's desperately trying to choke down a sob. He doesn't know when he was able to feel emotions so extremely but he knows it's because of Dean.

Everything comes back to Dean.

At this moment, there's nothing Castiel wants more than to be wrapped in Dean's arms. He wants Dean to plant kisses across his bare shoulders and tell him everything will be okay, that everything _is_ okay.

Castiel wants Dean to love him. He lets the tears fall over his cheeks, wet and salty. He's tired. He's tired of this nagging feeling, this nagging voice in the back of his mind that tells him he isn't wanted, that he isn't good enough. The voice sounds like Dean's. The voice tells him he's a burden and that he can't do anything right. He believes it.

He believes anything Dean tells him. No matter how cruel his words may be. 

Castiel feels so out of place. The bunker doesn't feel like home to him, he's not sure if it ever did. The tears are still flowing as he looks around. This is the closest thing to a home he's ever had and yet, it doesn't feel right.

He rests his head in his hands and he cries. Suddenly, he hears light footsteps and the sound of a light switch. He tenses, but doesn't bother lifting his head to see who it is. He already knows.

"Cas," Dean's voice comes out gruff, having just woken up. "What's wrong?"

He feels Dean's hand on his shoulder and all at once he crumbles. Castiel always crumbles at Dean's touch. He lifts his head and tearful blue eyes meet worried green.

"Cas," Dean whispers. He reaches forward and brushes away Castiel's tears with his thumb. More tears fall. Dean takes a seat next to him before he grabs one of Castiel's hands.

"Talk to me," Dean whispers again. His thumb caresses the back of Castiel's hand and he melts at Dean's touch.

"I-I don't," Castiel croaks out. Dean watches patiently, concern written all over his face. He clears his throat. "I don't want to bother you, Dean."

He feels Dean squeeze his hand. "You never bother me, Cas," he says gently. Cas closes his eyes. "Cas, look at me." He takes a breath and opens his eyes. Dean's eyes are scanning his face, trying to read him. "Tell me what's wrong," Dean's voice is pleading now and it makes Castiel ache. He gives in.

"I feel like I'm not enough for you, Dean," he whispers. All at once the words spill out. It feels like pouring alcohol on an open wound and Castiel winces. Dean looks stunned, but he's still holding Castiel's hand.

"I've felt like this for a while, I suppose," he continues shakily. "Like I'm not wanted. And I know you forgave me, Dean, but," Castiel sighs. "You feel like a stranger. It's awkward between us. And I can only assume that's normal after a big fight. But it hurts, Dean. I miss you. I miss how we used to be, I-" he sighs.

"I love you," the words slip out of his mouth too quickly, too easy, like he's said it out loud a hundred times.

Castiel feels a dropping sensation in his stomach. Anxiety. Fear. Dean just stares him, mouth open slightly. Castiel pulls his hand away as the shame takes over.

"I-I'm sorry, Dean, I-I didn't mean-"

"Castiel," Dean's voice is sharp and Castiel is scared they are about to have yet another fight. A fight that would break him down to nothing.

"I love you, too," Dean says slowly. He's looking at Castiel with a hopeful smile. A small smile breaks out across his face before Dean's arms wrap around him, pulling him into a hug. They pull away, just for a moment, before Dean presses their lips together.

He feels like he's floating. He doesn't feel broken and he believes everything is okay.

He is _happy_. It's short-lived.

Castiel is beaming as they pull away and he looks at Dean, but it's wrong. It's all so wrong. There's black goo pouring out of his Dean's eyes and ears. His mouth is twisted into a crooked smiled.

"I said I was coming for you, sweetheart," Dean's voice drips with poison.

Castiel hits the floor as everything goes black.


End file.
